time: 4:30 in the morning

A common thing people say relating to love and other things in life is this “you want what you cant have.” is it true? maybe it’s true. it’s also a common theme to tell your kids that they can be anything and do anything in the world.

If someone abides by both of these it seems logical to think you might reach a state where you have no wants because you can in fact do anything and have anything so you want nothing.

I have this belief in myself. I think I can do anything, anything that anyone else could do that is. Not to be a trope, but steve jobs said something like, “the world opens up when you realize all if it was made by people no smarter than you, and you can change it.” It’s true. What do I want? What can I not have?

Ideally I want a few main things. I read this article about someone who was essentially a non familial uncle that described him as devouring anything that could be read as a child. Why? why is this the thing I want?

I have a surface level of many things, but a depth on almost nothing.

I also want to be morally and ethically sound entirelly. along with true honesty, with oneself and others.

From a concern of academic rigor and moral fortitude I can think of nobody better than my mother, but that’s probobly wrong, she’s human, however what she was able to achieve with a backdrop of a town who’s primary spot to hangout was a walmart parking lot, a parking lot still to this day kids hangout in their car’s and drink a few beers, is amazing and from what I rememeber somewhat a butterfly effect of one good teacher who saw something in her and encouraged her to apply to a school in a differnt part of the state.

The people who hangout in that parking lot are good people however, I dont mean to knock on them. After a car accident emerging miraculously unscathed I was invited to sit in the cold ac of a van of someone I would later meet again in that parking lot. On a call with the local mechanic sometime soon after I was asked if I was ok with considerable worry because, being that they drove by on the one road out of town to the east and saw what had happened. There are good people. It felt nice.

In life really you can solve most problems by throwing time at it and banging your head against the wall until you get it. This has some value undenyablly, but to me eh. Anyone can bang their head against the wall if they have the dicipline. A lot of problems in mathematics seem to have value because of this. There are problems that the best minds in the world have been banging their head against the wall hundreads of years. Other problems are time problems, but this requires true insight and a spark, lightbulb.

life probelms in reality have these lightbulb moments too, but it’s not very difficult to get these lightbulbs, as seen by most people in america atleast being alive, although maybe alive isnt a good benchmark. Somewhere around half of americans have less than $500 in savings.

Maybe it’s a different problem. Being that to have a real goal you have to actually embrace the possibility of failure and ridicule. While ridicule does not usually come to those who try to change themselves for the better, it is one of the driving factors in my life.

Maybe I could be prould of that. Maybe that’s something worth wanting, something I might not be able to have.

Maybe that could get me out of bed in the morning with a spark, rather than a groan.

Around highschool, maybe due to spending too much time doing physics problems and listening to david foster wallace I think I began to develop a chronic problem of overthinking leading to other problems.

I dont think people should treat love as a prepackaged goal. I feel guilty of this mistake, and overall I think it’s a better idea to “Feel” your emotions rather than trying to apply ideas of science and logic to emotions.

This is not just to love, but in my mind other emotions too. to apply post-post-modentist gen-z slang to an idea to something probobly covered in different words by all philosophers ever “Joy-maxxing” the idea of trying to increase overall joy to the maximum amount leaves you so fixated on how much you’re enjoying each thing in life that you end up being so anxious about how much you’re enjoying each thing that you end up in a wierd sort of hell of a different order.

Being true to yourself is hard.

How much do I want this things? I dont know.

I dont care about money

How good do I think this post is: 4/10

I also feel the idea of having an overarching framework presented in a previous post as my self titled license, being that you take no responibility for the truth you convey is a bad idea. One should take responsibility for the truth atleast you present, because morally it gives you pause about how truthful you’re being.